Into The Unknown Abyss We Go!

february's one cramped up and sick month. for the wrong reasons. something's wrong with this scenario. un-channeled focus and camouflaged distractions are piling up, stacked somewhere in the temporal lobe. but no, it no longer feels like my brain's about to burst, nor does it have to do with any angsty emotions. i'm better at coping with my bipolarity. pear helps a lot.

if you havent noticed my frustration, i'll be taking the national exam in april. means all of this shennanigans will be done and i'll carry on with new shennanigans that to me, are vague, unfamiliar, and frightening. college world.

linking both facts and coming up with conclutions, i'm in a state where i must be ready, i must organize my time, priority and oh all the fckery that everyone's been occupied with. aaaaaaand i'm ill prepared for sure. i know i should be enthusiastic and driven but i'm not. i should be i should be i should be. i'm trying to absorb all advices and motivations but they all seem to just give pseudo-encouragement. i want a real shake, that rocks my boat.

and if that tremor apparently sinks everything, i'll go down with my ship like a good captain.

(the last line is a rip off of cold war kids' audience)

Hold Yourself Together, Dear Queen.

to watch something fall

to witness something drown

to anticipate before everything reach its bottom

to patiently wait

to futilely stare

to surrender to gravity

to be curiously still

to bow down to a bullet

to be helpless.

2012.

this post is a month late but i insist on writing it. i didnt write not because i had nothing i wanted to convey, but simply because my time was limited. crossing fingers, i'll graduate high school this year. amin.

it's 2012, and i've created too many memerifications of the year. for example "it's 2012, and the door is still broken" yes to all 12 IPAs, or "it's 2012, and your room is still the biggest shipwreck" this refers to my sister, vinca. but the best 2012 meme to describe my current state of being will be "it's 2012, and i still have not accomplished a single thing".

as teen-hood goes, my highly and considerably peripheral personality does not come to a conclusion. i am, sad to admit, still a confused little prick who tries to swim a different stream, even distance myself from the people i love, and the ones who loves me, oh bless me god if there are any. just for the sake of being different.

but again, to re-ponder my earlier paragraphs, i have love. i own it, i give it, i just need to think of better ways to spread it. enough about love, i've spoiled it by talking about it way too many times.

i will try to blog, as often as time allows me to. cheesecakes promises.

Hopeless Sentiments

aku mencari sisa-sisa hujan kemarin sore

hanya untuk kutaburkan esok pagi

aku memburu titik-titik cahaya di sela-sela malam

yang padam setelah fajar datang

Turning 17th on the 17th

the thought of writing this post firstly passed through my mind as an obligation, an annual duty. turns out, really have something to blog about.

last year, i turned 16. i mentioned several times that my heart died and that i was numb to all blissful feelings. at the age of 17, i discovered that i still have a living heart, a rejuvenated heart. it's like turning 15, but with a profound meaning.

i, again, have repeatedly said that this is the hardest year i've been through. but like all storms, comes bright days afterwards, i emerged enlightened, completely. i know now that my happiness depend solemnly on me. i'm responsible for my own actions, i should be the one bearing the consequences, i'm no longer a kid now. there's no more arbitrary decisions. i'm tied with my own standards of happiness, and shall live my life accordingly. i know that pain is inevitable, but my strength is now imminent. i am thevetia, a 17 year old girl who is committed and devoted to love, and happiness despite the uncharted waves of coming days and events.

yesterday, i felt loved. not in a 'everyone-wished-me-happy-birthday-so-i-must-be-a-somebody' kind of way, though a lot of people surprisingly did remembered the date, it's a very humble joy. that intimacy between me and my friends wraps me tenderly, tickles me occasionally, comforts me. i am in love and i dont just channel it to one person, but to everyone i know. i am blessed and i am forever grateful. kisses and hugs amigos.

the queen is a year older, not only in age but also at heart.

16th birthday post

15th birthday post

thanks for all the wishes on twitter, bbm, facebook, instagram, and in person. i treasure all of your the presents ;)

Demured

i used to think, that everytime i have no bond whatsoever with a boy, it's a lot more fun. because i get to date randomly with different guys every week, have mad irrational time playing bad-girl after a disguise. i thought of it as a retribution. i was wrong. turns out that transition phase, that pixie-ish girl, was my disguise all along. i hated doing that.

now i am a lot more contemplative. i know its no 'unlimited shisha night' or 'promiscuous girl dress-up time' but i know for a fact those thing doesnt affect me anymore, they dont thrill me anymore. they dont tickle my bone for unknown reasons. that's what i discovered this year. the things that i used to love, and repetitively practice, have the equivalent of a zero resultant. if not, they end up making me feel emptier.

though i feel old and granny-like inside, i'm liking it. i'd rather stay in bed and play with jules, or have conversations over espresso, than go on a promiscuous summer spree.

i'm happy that now, i'd rather be all at sea.

My Love Will Pay The Rent

2011 is not a year, it's a series of battles. i didnt recall a tight sleep on my record, life kept pinning me down. yet i'm only turning 17. i sound old dont i?

this year i tried diving through my own heart, searching for what is lost, what will revitalize my youth, how the hell am i supposed to survive this showdown. to find that, i have so much love inside my heart, and i need it, for me too keep my faith strong.

i've been presumptuous, i gave futile efforts for the wrong cause, i loved the wrong group of people. i need to benefit my old passion towards love. in a good, positive, and simple manner.

i was convinced that to have this much love towards everyone is not sane, is superficial. it is not. if you feel loved, why is it wrong to give it out? it was imprudent for me to channel my energy towards hatred, and vengeance.

before this, i was always fine. because i had faith in love. november is around the corner and i cant afford to loose my month.

thank you zee avi.

Attack Me Again, Dare You?

being in high school, you can not be different from others. there's no room for authenticity, no space for personal opinion. peer pressure is not new.

when you're forced to grow up, earlier than everyone else in your year, you will frustrate yourself. because every matter that revolved around you and your surrounding seems trivial, less important. but you're friends thinks the contrary. that every matter that seemed immature to you, is urgent and is being weighed with tons and tons of energy. your lack of interest will make you look like an alien. i feel like i am being alienated.

for example, boy matter. i've been pass that, i've been through that. the last time it mattered that much is probably a year ago. so i'm sorry if i seem like an apathetic bitch who doesnt care about your stupid gushy stories, i just dont think it's that fascinating. everyone in the world falls in love. 99.9% of kids who falls in love in high school thinks they're bound to have that same journey for the rest of their life. i doubt 70% does that exactly. it's high school romance, get over your head.

so i'm sorry, a 'certain-close-friend' of mine who thinks i have a rotten soul and said in a playful but very offensive manner that i am like a granny, i did not say straight to your face that i think your relationship is made-up and superficial. and i will not attack you because i dont crave for your attention, and i think its fine that we both have different point of views. all i want is for you to respect me, and my way of doing things, and let me be.

I"m Going Back to 505

the night is vicious. it is quiet, but it sneaks. it is tip-toeing on the side of your bedroom walls, holding a knife. it waits patiently, carefully. it seeps under your carpet, hiding under the same blanket as yours.

the night is vicious. the night is devious. the night is painful.

Forever My Baby

i have no one. no one is obliged to express their care and compassion towards me. thats why i always turn to jules.

all i ever needed is to be understood. jules understands me thoroughly. on lazy days his loud strumming would cheer me up, on quiet nights the sound of his strings, picked, echoes and would sting every aches on my body until it heals. his loyalty knows no edge, he treats me carefully. instant serenity, every time our skin touches. dopamine rush occurs, every time we cuddle.

my broken heart is vast, like the sea. yet he dives through to the bottom of it. he is typical, yet i'm his only owner. he is incredibly reliable, yet i cant always have him. but forever, he stands by me, figuratively that is.

nobody stands, in between me and my man

- me and mr jones ; amy winehouse

i may not play well, he may not be a fancy strat. but this is one unconditional love you can never deny.