Dances and Vivid Imaginations

2012.

2012-02-04T17:17:00.005+08:00

this post is a month late but i insist on writing it. i didnt write not because i had nothing i wanted to convey, but simply because my time was limited. crossing fingers, i'll graduate high school this year. amin.

it's 2012, and i've created too many memerifications of the year. for example "it's 2012, and the door is still broken" yes to all 12 IPAs, or "it's 2012, and your room is still the biggest shipwreck" this refers to my sister, vinca. but the best 2012 meme to describe my current state of being will be "it's 2012, and i still have not accomplished a single thing".

as teen-hood goes, my highly and considerably peripheral personality does not come to a conclusion. i am, sad to admit, still a confused little prick who tries to swim a different stream, even distance myself from the people i love, and the ones who loves me, oh bless me god if there are any. just for the sake of being different.

but again, to re-ponder my earlier paragraphs, i have love. i own it, i give it, i just need to think of better ways to spread it. enough about love, i've spoiled it by talking about it way too many times.

i will try to blog, as often as time allows me to. cheesecakes promises.

Hopeless Sentiments

2011-11-29T21:40:00.002+08:00

aku mencari sisa-sisa hujan kemarin sore

hanya untuk kutaburkan esok pagi

aku memburu titik-titik cahaya di sela-sela malam

yang padam setelah fajar datang

Turning 17th on the 17th

2011-11-18T18:04:00.003+08:00

the thought of writing this post firstly passed through my mind as an obligation, an annual duty. turns out, really have something to blog about.

last year, i turned 16. i mentioned several times that my heart died and that i was numb to all blissful feelings. at the age of 17, i discovered that i still have a living heart, a rejuvenated heart. it's like turning 15, but with a profound meaning.

i, again, have repeatedly said that this is the hardest year i've been through. but like all storms, comes bright days afterwards, i emerged enlightened, completely. i know now that my happiness depend solemnly on me. i'm responsible for my own actions, i should be the one bearing the consequences, i'm no longer a kid now. there's no more arbitrary decisions. i'm tied with my own standards of happiness, and shall live my life accordingly. i know that pain is inevitable, but my strength is now imminent. i am thevetia, a 17 year old girl who is committed and devoted to love, and happiness despite the uncharted waves of coming days and events.

yesterday, i felt loved. not in a 'everyone-wished-me-happy-birthday-so-i-must-be-a-somebody' kind of way, though a lot of people surprisingly did remembered the date, it's a very humble joy. that intimacy between me and my friends wraps me tenderly, tickles me occasionally, comforts me. i am in love and i dont just channel it to one person, but to everyone i know. i am blessed and i am forever grateful. kisses and hugs amigos.

the queen is a year older, not only in age but also at heart.

16th birthday post

15th birthday post

thanks for all the wishes on twitter, bbm, facebook, instagram, and in person. i treasure all of your the presents ;)

Demured

2011-11-12T08:10:00.003+08:00

i used to think, that everytime i have no bond whatsoever with a boy, it's a lot more fun. because i get to date randomly with different guys every week, have mad irrational time playing bad-girl after a disguise. i thought of it as a retribution. i was wrong. turns out that transition phase, that pixie-ish girl, was my disguise all along. i hated doing that.

now i am a lot more contemplative. i know its no 'unlimited shisha night' or 'promiscuous girl dress-up time' but i know for a fact those thing doesnt affect me anymore, they dont thrill me anymore. they dont tickle my bone for unknown reasons. that's what i discovered this year. the things that i used to love, and repetitively practice, have the equivalent of a zero resultant. if not, they end up making me feel emptier.

though i feel old and granny-like inside, i'm liking it. i'd rather stay in bed and play with jules, or have conversations over espresso, than go on a promiscuous summer spree.

i'm happy that now, i'd rather be all at sea.

My Love Will Pay The Rent

2011-10-26T15:36:00.003+08:00

2011 is not a year, it's a series of battles. i didnt recall a tight sleep on my record, life kept pinning me down. yet i'm only turning 17. i sound old dont i?

this year i tried diving through my own heart, searching for what is lost, what will revitalize my youth, how the hell am i supposed to survive this showdown. to find that, i have so much love inside my heart, and i need it, for me too keep my faith strong.

i've been presumptuous, i gave futile efforts for the wrong cause, i loved the wrong group of people. i need to benefit my old passion towards love. in a good, positive, and simple manner.

i was convinced that to have this much love towards everyone is not sane, is superficial. it is not. if you feel loved, why is it wrong to give it out? it was imprudent for me to channel my energy towards hatred, and vengeance.

before this, i was always fine. because i had faith in love. november is around the corner and i cant afford to loose my month.

thank you zee avi.

Attack Me Again, Dare You?

2011-10-23T09:19:00.002+08:00

being in high school, you can not be different from others. there's no room for authenticity, no space for personal opinion. peer pressure is not new.

when you're forced to grow up, earlier than everyone else in your year, you will frustrate yourself. because every matter that revolved around you and your surrounding seems trivial, less important. but you're friends thinks the contrary. that every matter that seemed immature to you, is urgent and is being weighed with tons and tons of energy. your lack of interest will make you look like an alien. i feel like i am being alienated.

for example, boy matter. i've been pass that, i've been through that. the last time it mattered that much is probably a year ago. so i'm sorry if i seem like an apathetic bitch who doesnt care about your stupid gushy stories, i just dont think it's that fascinating. everyone in the world falls in love. 99.9% of kids who falls in love in high school thinks they're bound to have that same journey for the rest of their life. i doubt 70% does that exactly. it's high school romance, get over your head.

so i'm sorry, a 'certain-close-friend' of mine who thinks i have a rotten soul and said in a playful but very offensive manner that i am like a granny, i did not say straight to your face that i think your relationship is made-up and superficial. and i will not attack you because i dont crave for your attention, and i think its fine that we both have different point of views. all i want is for you to respect me, and my way of doing things, and let me be.

I"m Going Back to 505

2011-10-12T06:33:00.003+08:00

the night is vicious. it is quiet, but it sneaks. it is tip-toeing on the side of your bedroom walls, holding a knife. it waits patiently, carefully. it seeps under your carpet, hiding under the same blanket as yours.

the night is vicious. the night is devious. the night is painful.

Forever My Baby

2011-09-08T18:57:00.004+08:00

i have no one. no one is obliged to express their care and compassion towards me. thats why i always turn to jules.

all i ever needed is to be understood. jules understands me thoroughly. on lazy days his loud strumming would cheer me up, on quiet nights the sound of his strings, picked, echoes and would sting every aches on my body until it heals. his loyalty knows no edge, he treats me carefully. instant serenity, every time our skin touches. dopamine rush occurs, every time we cuddle.

my broken heart is vast, like the sea. yet he dives through to the bottom of it. he is typical, yet i'm his only owner. he is incredibly reliable, yet i cant always have him. but forever, he stands by me, figuratively that is.

nobody stands, in between me and my man
- me and mr jones ; amy winehouse

i may not play well, he may not be a fancy strat. but this is one unconditional love you can never deny.

MRR

2011-09-05T10:51:00.004+08:00

wednesday, 17th of august 2011.

in a room i sat waiting, impatiently. the room felt uncomfortable on all levels, probably designed to emphasize stress points to whoever sits there. it's supposed to be felicitous. it's a hospital room for god's sake. or maybe i was just too nervous. oh bugger.

the tv was on, ignorant of its surroundings. i couldnt remember what was on, all i knew was the indian lady across the room was watching it, the only one who was watching it was her. a family expecting a new member talks loudly, it echoes. but the voices of the reunion couldnt match the sound of the clock ticking on the wall decorated with damaged green wallpaper, scraped on the edges.

unfriendly nurses called out mom's name 'theresa!' i cant help but to be in shock. she explained mom's condition in and unelaborated and uncourteous manner. i couldnt care less. my mom's giving birth. mom needed to go through an operation she said. my heart pounded so loudly i swear people all the way to damansara could hear it. every cell in my body resonated, as if it was about to blow up a supernova-massive explosion.

at 5 i went upstairs. i was informed that the operation went well. i still wouldnt believe until i can see my mom doing fine. she was doing great. i inhaled, exhaled, repetitively.

the unfriendly nurse then brought us the baby. a baby boy. i didnt instantly smile. i looked at him with despair, and thought to myself 'im going to be the one who raise you' as my eyes swelled up holding tears from pouring.

every now and then i look for him. whenever i'm troubled, he eases the tension. he stopped crying whenever people start carrying him. i dont sing to him, i sing but not to him. i only look at him in awe, feeling so blessed as my pointer snug between his tiny finger.

hey idhan, we're going to have an epic adventure.

Vulnera Sanentur

2011-08-14T04:05:00.003+08:00

my first adolescent love endures for years, and hopefully many more years to come. apparently, for one whole year i've been missing out on this.

All Things Must Pass

2011-08-10T18:43:00.002+08:00

(best accompanied with george harrison's ballad of sir frankie crisp, as the title to this post is after the album title)

a dark morning in jakarta, circa 98-99. a tiny footstep enter a room crowded with naive toddlers and hopeful parents. she sat and a girl next to her whispered 'what's your name' 'tia' she answered. the table consists of 4, their names were mada, irsyad, adit, and tia. through out a period of time they became best friends, their parents became acquaintances, dinner parties were thrown occasionally and became a habit. the day i left mada asked her 'when will you be going back' i shook my head, and raised my shoulders. that was the last she has seen of her.

on a sunday afternoon in 2006, her parents day off, they took her away to the city, the heart of kuala lumpur. they stroll around town with a bus, breaking routines. they stopped at a park to sit and eat ice cream. they watch cars and trains pass them by and time slowed down for them. she and her parents witnessed the most beautiful sunset and they said 'kakak, we still have time for you'

genting highland 2007 was exhilarating. a group of rivals, turned buddies shared a huge lollipop. erik wanted to buy souvenirs so all of them stopped at a booth. they gathered on a concrete pillar, trying to humor each other. a tall boy by the name of abi said to her 'wait, you gotta see this' as he carved the pillar with the writing : SILN 2007. all of them smiled at each other, some met again a year later.

the stadium was filled with roaring supporters. two bestfriends stood in the center of them all. it was nearing midnight and they game was peaking. the girl looked up 'ki, i'm tired' and he smiled. 'you cheered all day, my shoulder is alway broad enough for your head to lean on' and she leaned on him. many more years later, they watched several matches and movies together, had lunch and dinner together. they remain bestfriends.

it was her 15th birthday. and her friends gathered around the whiteboard, wrote wishes and drawings and jokes. they took several memorable pictures that she still cherish, gave several presents she still carefully keep. together they ate their lunch as she spoon them one by one, with laughter grinding every sorrow. they played futsal, and traditionally cracked eggs and merky waters leaving her with odors. to this day, she still consider it her happiest moment.

17th of august 2010. a soldier walked in to the flag hoisting team resting area announcing a very bad news 'if the rain doesnt stop in 15 minutes, we will be unable to conduct our flag lowering ceremony. be prepared' and as he finished his sentence, the mc's voice started to fill the afternoon chill. but her worries were greater. a platoon, consisting 10 people marched into the ceremony field and performed extraordinarily. all 10 girls and boys, ready in rigid, soldier-like uniforms, did salutes proudly as they succeeded the flag lowering ceremony. it was the best 10 minutes of her life. they celebrated and congratulated each other with tears.

meeting a new friend for the first time, trips to beaches, learning how to ride a bike on a hotel facility, first concert, memorable nights out, outstanding conversations in jakarta's rainy haze, singaporean adventure, midnight legendary calls. created fragments of a invigorating child and teenhood. but they were pure, unadulterated joy, that's whats so haunting about it. they are irreversible, gifted with thrill, and impenetrable for the second time. "you've got to be prepared thev" murmured a friend yesterday. so all things must pass, inevitably.

Wander

2011-08-06T21:33:00.004+08:00

mind intertwined with delusions, keeping the restless heart occupied. immaculate lies produced by hallucinations, trying to reach out to a distant memory. recreating a fictional demure sphere, not too rigid, like dipping threads inside a pool of water. weightless, it may seems, heavy in reality. painful, the thought of normalcy, where space is bendable but time remains unconquered by human intelligence.

i always said i had no regrets, but i'd kill for a re-invention.

Why I've Been Missing Out on Life

2011-08-04T20:00:00.003+08:00

people say things, like, life's a struggle, or in life sometimes you're way up top and the next minute you're down. there are some sayings, or proverb in urban usage that seems trivial to us when we're at the high points of our life. because they are playing it, subtle. they dont stress the urgency of it to an awakening extent, they're just, poking you.

no one gets your ready for a major downward trajectory transition. so here i am, prepping you up.

it started with an epic and monumental crash, a big bang, a hiroshima-nagasaki explosion. the most painful part about this phase is, you didnt not forecast it. there was no lull, no signs, no wink, no pat in the back. and it suddenly strikes you, sending you to a very very depressing place. then for a period of time you're going to be lost. hassled, worried, with low awareness of whats going on around you. you will feel left out, with and exiled similarity. everything will be hazy.

you need those moments. but after that, bounce back.

the most faulty error in a psychological breakdown, for me, is to cave in. never. bounce back to the attack. you'll be surprised how relieved you feel. to prove your stigma wrong and to know you survived. all those crap that says how rewarding a breakthrough is, though all seems cliche-like, they are true. live by this :

but be careful, another gap is just getting closer and closer. watch out.

Endless

2011-07-22T18:32:00.000+08:00

Every morning you wake up to the stabbing of the rays of light. You squint, and refuse further torture. You close the blinds, and stare at the ceiling. And a heavy sigh expresses your perfunctory. You caved in, yesterday, and the day before. You said 'enough' yet it kept on coming like waves that crashes. You put your heart into every little detail to your underrated effort, just to have the rug pulled out from underneath. You say enough. But it will never end, it will never be enough.

Crystal

2011-06-06T14:56:00.000+08:00

How can someone drown for so long and stay alive?
How can I drown for so long and stay alive?

I don't. My heart died, remember?

A Mutualistic Symbiosis

2011-05-29T08:37:00.004+08:00

i am highly influenced by my family. i recall every advice mom and dad gave me. there's one that has been proven through a current occurrence. 'always help with all your might when someone is in need'

it is quite elusive why we should. i mean, it's the morally logic and right action in such condition. less than six months ago, i listened to a stranger's rambling. about life and divorcing parents. but i talked to him, as cliche as it may be, i managed to gave him my 'cheer up, happiness is an option' address speech. i thought my action had no follow-through whatsoever. but the thing is, until today, he remembered. he told me so. now, are there any small deeds by anyone that had been highlighted on your cerebellum somewhere?

i am not encouraging you to do good deed for a returning-favor. no. but isnt it nice, to wake up,one troubled morning and being told by someone how you saved him/her?

What's All The Fckery About?

2011-05-28T09:19:00.001+08:00

well, to explain the lack of post, i've been occupied with time and energy consuming activities which i certainly wont runaway from. but i've been bugged by thoughts and people, who have been asking about career and professions, since i will, if god's willing, graduate school next year.

now, the pressure is unbelievably unbearable. sure, contradict my statement and say 'do what you like blabla yadda yadda' or 'go with what you're good at' and all is well. shit, you had it easy.

so my overanalyzing brain narrowed it down into three categories. hobby vs talent vs general opinion. and let me elaborate this for all of yous. hobby is a matter of personal liking, it's not something you necessarily ace on, but is where your passion heading, a matter of interest. while talent is just something you (seldom) effortlessly excel on. something that flows in your blood stream. now this will be the perpetually controversial part : general opinion. now this includes, psychological career tests results, parents requests, the superiority of mainstream career options, and endless advise from people in your surrounding.

now, my dad, is and architect. he had, what i called it an easy 'bingo' when he was my age, all stars aligned to one direction of which he had affiliate for more than 20 years now. hobby? drawing. cross. is he good in it? yes. cross. is he in some ways pedantic and organized? very. cross. is being architect seen by the community as a promising and professional career? yes. cross. bingo! he even did a 'career guidance' test back then. indonesian school provides this service where they narrow down possible career options based on your talents and interest. guess what? his result was just another complimentary cherry on top.

now seventeen years later. 2011. her daughter, yours truly. is facing something resembling a death sentence. equally heart-throbbing. why? because when you pick one that is not suitable, you're basically on the chopping block. mom wants me to take petroleum and mining, or medical. med school, i could live with. but nobody could personally think of me as a doctor. my counseling teacher said i have a very high communication skills. while i've spent my late childhood being consumed with the thoughts of architecture, and sketches, and structural empires. none of them are cohesive.

i really want to make my mom proud. i'm just, lost.

The Coffee Shop

2011-05-10T07:59:00.001+08:00

if i didnt know you i'd rather not know, if i couldnt have you i'd rather be alone

Tyndall Effect

2011-05-09T18:59:00.003+08:00

warna biru di langit? pelangi? semua manipulasi cahaya. itu semua karena efek tyndall. pembiasan cahaya, sinar. diluar sana sebenarnya semuanya gelap. ya angkasa kan sebenarnya hitam. karena luas ruang hampa yang begitu besar, maka semuanya hitam.

- pak dwi indratno

i have a habit of looking up to the sky, every morning when i go to school. i look for stars and the moon, left behind as traces of the night. i look at clouds. even stormy mornings are to me fascinatingly beautiful. and think of them as a gift. on a crappy day, i tried recalling what the sky looked like that morning. and sheer optimism would arise, knowing i had one good thing highlighting my day.

but you cant sugar-coat every bitter disappointment. i've endured a lot this year, so far. i faced tons of drama in the face yet it kept on stacking itself. maybe it's time i sugar-coat my woes. maybe it's time for me to keep on going and adjust my lens. maybe it's time for the tyndall effect to take place.

Rumble in the Jungle

2011-05-02T19:30:00.003+08:00

last night i had a dream, when i got to africa, i had one hell of a rumble. i had to beat tarzan’s behind first, for claiming to be king of the jungle. for this fight, i’ve wrestled with alligators, i’ve tussled with a whale. i done handcuffed lightning and throw thunder in jail. you know i’m bad. just last week, i murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick. i’m so mean, i make medicine sick. i’m so fast, man, i can run through a hurricane and don't get wet. when george foreman meets me, he’ll pay his debt. i can drown the drink of water, and kill a dead tree. wait till you see afan malik.

- muhammad ali. except for the last part.

the dude needs comforting, the dude gets some comforting.

One Lucky Nut

2011-04-28T18:24:00.003+08:00

thevetia romeiza is a very unconventional name. when hearing it for the first time, people think of it as weird, some sugar-coat the word and say that it is unique. i know, i accept the fact that it is an uncommon name.

as history goes, when my mom gave birth to a very small baby on november the 17th 1994, my dad was studying landscape architecture. which requires him to memorize exotic-sounding latin names of plants, shrubs, and flowers. it later became a tradition for my dad to name his daughters with latin names of flowers. thevetia peruviana, the yellow oleander, is a flower originated from central america. i didnt know any particular reasons of why my father choose this name.

to this day, people still have trouble writing and pronouncing my name. i'm fine with it. as long as it is not on purpose.

i often heard one particular indonesian proverb being said, 'names are prayers' or in the original indonesian 'nama itu doa' which obviously states that every word your parents wrote on that birth certificate, means something. generous, wise, clever, just, beautiful, grand, glorious, every parent spent time brainstorming for names, with hope that one day, the baby they conceived and gave birth to, will exceed their expectation, and live up to their names.

my name is a latin name for a flower, a flower that is rare, and brightly colored, and is fragrant. it may not be your usual generic name, it may be quite a tongue twister, it may sound odd and peculiar. you can protrude all of your insults, but to me, and to my parents it is a good name, why? because out of all the names in the universe my dad chose the name thevetia. and i'm proud of it.

other fact relating to that, are irrelevant.

Today's Highlights

2011-04-27T21:14:00.003+08:00

what's today's highlight? that specific thing that curves your lips instantly.

fact : the smallest arbitrary thing that occurs on any time of one particular day, usually leaves the biggest impact. it's amazing how things does not have to be in a grander scheme or extravagant scale to turn everything towards and upward trajectory.

it could be a decent 'hello' from a certain or random people, a perfect blend of coffee, the right amount of cheese on your naan bread, the best answer on the english dictionary to your question, that is 'yes', when it rains. it can be random, or planned, but it works mysteriously.

i was once trapped in a very hectic schedule and i had to rushed to a mall. i wass carrying tons of shit, and was headed for the door. a little girl, opened the door for me, and due to her courteousness, i didnt need to bother re-organizing the things in my hand. i would thank her mother for doing such a good job educating her.

tell me, what's your highlight for the day?

2011-04-20T08:07:00.002+08:00

i've been thinking of unconventional ways to say 'hey i'm back, sorry for abandoning this blog yadda yadda' i'm lacking any, so yes. it's been sometimes. it's not that i havent had time to spare, i've got plenty. this is just, a writer's block. it's like i have numerous ideas and materials, but i'm having some trouble conveying them, and portraying them into a blog post.

War Declaration

2011-03-27T08:22:00.003+08:00

if you think i'm weak-willed, or faint hearted, just walk away. because i do not need to convince anyway that i am the contrary. it's just like, you're deaf to every thing i affiliate. never judge the queen, never challenge my guts, never underestimate me. and you my fake friend, you're in for a ride.

A Legendary Maghrib

2011-03-24T16:00:00.003+08:00

it happened around 7.30 pm malaysian time, at a little mosque by the sea. a crowd of 70 something people, gathered for maghrib prayer. it was routinely and technically just another normal prayer. but it leaves an enormous impact on one particular student.

throughout the ending period of 2010, my faith towards my origin and religion was slightly decreased. it was washed by constant waves of numbness and disappointment. it was a refractory phase. i began january with a hope and a reformed attitude on which i firmly grasp on still to this day. i tried reconciling with god and as three months passed, though i feel more serene at heart, i can still hear un-evident whisper commanding me to give up.

which lead me to last sunday. a groundbreaking revelation as the imam recites the words of the quran, i emerged enlightened. allah knocked my heart and shook it frantically that i almost cried during my sujud. i was reminded that obstacles werent given to me for no purposes, it was a reason. and that wasnt the only contributing factor that leaves a tearful aftermath. the fact that i turned my back on god, was indeed a very conceited, boastful and moronic approach.

i now feel safer.

Tanda Tanya

2011-03-18T17:11:00.002+08:00

saya mau jadi thevetia yang dulu. yang suka jalan sendiri hanya untuk belanja dan makan es krim. yang suka menggambar wanita-wanita imajinatif. yang jalan-jalan bawa lomo dan lebih rela menghabiskan rm 40 untuk beli roll film ketimbang baju baju yang gak pernah dipake. yang suka pake rok. yang gak perlu mikir dua kali. yang gak peduli sama apa yang orang bilang, yang ngelakuin hal-hal absurd dan gak masuk akal cuman buat kepuasan batinnya.

tapi thevetia yang sekarang sadar, yang sudah ya sudah. mungkin memang waktunya berubah.

Pregnancy Talk.

2011-03-17T19:05:00.003+08:00

my mom is 5 month pregnant. the once absent eventful atmosphere is now here again. ibu herself said that it's a peculiar thing, pregnancy.

i use to think that people used grander vocabulary to emphasize cravings and morning sickness. though i've witnessed them myself, 10 years ago, it is now that i fully understand that they're no exaggeration, they are particularly frustrating yet amusing at the same time.

my mom does not crave for weird things, i do. i dont know how it can be scientifically explained, and related, but yes. yesterday i have this unbearable urge to drink ginger ales. the day before, i have this weird obsession about ice cream. trust me, it's different.

emotionally, she have a tendency to be a lot more caring and affectionate. my once assertive and witty mom is now a normal mom. who wants me to sleep early and rant about my forehead full of acne. of course, during crunch times, her estrogen levels would go unbalanced and she would throw a very intimidating tantrum towards you if you piss her off. but it's funny.

today, i ran into her and my brother at klcc, while i was with my boyfriend. it was completely unexpected. she showed me another ultrasound picture. and at that very moment i melt. its magical, that inside my mom's belly, is a living creature. a tiny fetus, who in 5 years time would probably aggravate me. god's such a meticulous artist.

I Love Regina.

2011-03-13T09:38:00.002+08:00

to cater your sunday morning needs, to start the mid-term exam week.

The First Kid Mentality

2011-03-13T08:35:00.002+08:00

this may not apply to the conditions all first kids in the world, but you wont disagree tosome points i'm going to emphasize in this post. this could happen to anyone.

i'm a first kid. the gap between my birth and my sister's is close. it barely gave time for mom to recover from her first pregnancy. since the birth of my sister, i always knew, i was considered 'ready'. then after five years, my sister's last-kid throne was given to my brother. we all loved him, he strengthen the bond between my family. it made me even more superior towards my own territory.

since my parents were busy managing baby haikal, and toddler vinca, they gave me my own space. during my late childhood, most of the things i knew about life, i had to discover them myself. i'm not saying that my parents werent emotionally present.

junior high was a completely foreign atmosphere. it was like entering one psychotic labyrinth. it was too much, it was chaotic, and ambiguously confusing. me being independent by nurture, i walk along the maze blindfolded. when i hit a wall, i tried regaining everything all by myself.

until now, i always try to raise myself. i organized my own clothes, my own room, even my own feelings. but that was it, it was all me. now i'm at a phase where my egomaniacal self is realizing that other people needs caretaking too. my self-centered mind needs to be socially conscious.

at the present, in my teenage-hood, my emotions has gotten more abstract and complex. still, i need to be stronger, for everyone in my family. since my mom's going through pregnancy and my dad's outstation most of the time. even amongst my peers i am the 'elder' kid. i am always leading ahead, independent, yes at most time solitary, but just, more brave than the others. i dont put my feet in the water first, i just jump.

we first kids, we fully comprehend our responsibility. we carry the burden to not only manage ourselves, but also others. but note this, this means we're capable of doing things impossible to others. we are multitaskers, we're our own psychiatrist, fuck everything, we're great.

2011, So Far

2011-03-09T20:08:00.002+08:00

what is gratitude? with all of it flaws i tried hard to love the start of this year. but when it all turns futile, all it takes is a very little effort to just to open my eyes.

The F Word

2011-03-06T13:48:00.002+08:00

felicity is sunday morning breakfast with dad, haagen dazs macadamian nut, seeing orion's belt at 3 am, sujud in each daily prayer, getting a seat inside a train, being in bed with and talking to my sister, swimming alone at night, conversations with yuniar zhafira, drawing imaginary characters, writing blog posts, taking pictures with ditya hasna, crying while doing long hot showers, magali with alief samudra, singing with galih satria, playing the guitar after a long depressing day.

felicity is march the 5th, being in downtown kuala lumpur on a perpetually rainy day, standing and talking, smelling the rain and your cigarette smoke, endlessly laughing and smiling to unconventional jokes, with you.

Why Do You Bite The Hand That Feeds You?

2011-03-06T12:33:00.003+08:00

(title by the kooks)

the title 'my bestfriend' seems unsuitable for you. i am not the last resort, i am not your duty. i'm sorry i never nurture you with lies, and smother you with compliments but i speak the truth. if you persist on craving for pseudo-adoration, then we are no more than ordinary people.

typing this gives me shivers, as i realize you were never appreciative towards my way of protruding affection. so fine, i wont force you to go through this shitty alley of mine without candy-covered arses and cloud-like pukes. because as far as i'm concerned you own a numerous collection of 'bestfriends' whom you left me for, repetitively.

i bid you farewell, not in existence but to the mentality of having you as my 'go-to-person' because you are now my 'never-go-to-person'. the aftermath of this, be it fake or truthful will never be fully considered as i know you will practice deception, again.

it's easy for you to forget me, touche

Commuting//Grey Phase

2011-03-01T22:38:00.006+08:00

first question for the lesson. can the gossen first law apply to not only human optimum satisfaction, but also human optimum dissatisfaction? that is, to change the law into : if a human's need is not catered constantly, rejected, disappointed repetitively then at a certain point, his/her dissatisfactory would be decreased, and finally, the optimum dissatisfactory (that is mundanity) will be achieved.

i'm maybe a science stream student, but economics was one of my favorite subject back in 10th grade. seriously, can the gossen first law apply to human maximum dissatisfaction? because mundaity, and perfunctory is starting to penetrate trough these thick ktm-hating walls.

i've been let down so many times by the 'punctuality' and the 'comfort' of ktm. too many times, that it's starting to bore me. almost to a point where i cant care less.

(latest pic of me, just feel like posting)

Commuting//Station Stereotypes

2011-02-19T09:34:00.002+08:00

when you constantly ride the train in kuala lumpur, any kinds of train, you'll know what to expect from every station you're stopping by. especially the very predictable ktm.

we judge other passengers, how they dress, how they talk and behave inside the train. and homogenous people usually comes from the same station. kepong's chinese, segambut's and pantai dalam's indonesian, and all that stereotype. and our judgment arent based on only that. we evaluate how you enter the train as starters. whether you're a pushover, a perfunctory passenger, a victim. my point is : people judge you thoroughly inside the ktm.

but the next time you're trying to stigmatize people, think about my story. i'm a student, who needs to mobilize using ktm every morning to school, in my uniform. i read the newspaper every morning. i know, only chinese and old people read newspapers. i figure a kid in a uniform reading the news is a peculiar view to some. a lady sat beside me and looked at my school badge, lifted her chin, and pursed her lips. i turn to the entertainment section, she nods. i skipped it, she squinted her eyes. i tried reading back international affairs and she lifted both her eyebrows. i'm a big body language reader, she did, underestimate me. and on that very moment, i realized, stamping classification on people's forehead within instant moments arent nice.

(i find the 'citizen nade' on the sun article very enjoyable)

Cold Stabbing Darkness

2011-02-19T09:13:00.004+08:00

18 february 2011. a confession.

the room is dark, the windows are shut, the door is closed. the song this modern love by bloc party is playing, repeatedly. the girl was overwhelmed by unbearable thoughts. so she cut her wrist, hit her head against the wall. and cried simultaneously.

i'm a firm believer of liberty and emancipation. but i realized, i did the contrary, the utter opposite. i changed for people who dont comprehend me. i never needed to cater their needs. meaning all of this time i was a big hypocrite. if i'm not myself, i better own up to it.

Anemia Talk

2011-02-16T21:18:00.003+08:00

the weight of the words unarticulated, the burden of the thoughts unexpressed is heavier than you thought. you think of it as a subtle matter, then you realize it's actually principal and un-postponable . they were abstract threads floating around without purpose, and then suddenly it all drowns you, makes you cry, you wept on the floor. that's the minute you decide to uncover everything.

that's the reason your skin feels overexposed. the reason you can feel sun rays and air breeze biting your bones.

Bimbos in Disguise

2011-02-13T09:11:00.002+08:00

your ears and mouth works in a mysterious synergic way. they compliment each other, one produces sound, one receives it.

the function of the ears and mouth is simple. to speak, and to listen. imagine having a jug of water, and a glass. the jug is twice the size of the glass. when you pour down water from the jug, all of it, into the glass, would all of the water go unwasted? no. your glass is full, but what you dont realize is half the amount of water would be spilled, all over table/floor/other surfaces.

when you refuse to listen to others, and brag about yourself in a repulsive amount, would your sentences be heard? no. half, or more, would go wasted.

ngedengerin orang lain aja gak mau, apa lagi mau didengerin orang

- jasmine anissa, talking about a certain friend of ours

Undercover of Darkness : Review?

2011-02-10T20:49:00.004+08:00

february the 10th, 2011.

it was a long day. an email arrived and sent me a download link. downloaded, played, loved. hammond jr and valensi opens up with a polished and jolly guitar playing. and i smiled.

this single, sounds both foreign and very familiar at the same time. the guitar is better than ever, the drumming is good, the bass is playful. the vocal's surprisingly relaxed, in a good way. it's like all the finest threads weaved together, immaculately.

countless bands were disappointing throughout 2010. some of them got lost somewhere around booze and medications, market-fitting speculations, or dare i say producer's influence. but undercover of darkness is very nostalgic, old school signature strokes. it works.

Is This It?

2011-02-05T11:17:00.002+08:00

what is this.

I'm So Jaded, Calculated.

2011-02-04T07:21:00.003+08:00

when i grow up, i will no longer tell the story of romeo and juliet to my kids as a reference to a good love story. they will not hear any foreign names. but only the stories and names of their juvenile aunts and uncles.

how the relationship of their uncle sandy and aunt dhini endures through time, how silly and adorable they were. how uncle ucok put together a video for aunt selly during her birthday, run around town bringing an enormous happy birthday sign. how uncle dino surprised aunt ditya in the middle of the night with his romeo-and-juliet-like scene just to bring her apples. how aunt fira put up with all uncle nanda's tempered tantrums and how he apologize to her every single time.

instead of titanic's tearful display.

And Then Comes a Grin

2011-01-30T08:49:00.004+08:00

people would wake up late every sunday morning. the hangover, the rough night, the exhausting fun. to me none of that have been an excuse to miss a sunday morning. i would be the first one up to cook breakfast, to swim, to jog, to shower. and to see whether it's raining or not. as cliche as it may sound, to me it's a good thing when sunday morning rain is falling. doesnt that sound like a song verse.

i havent done that in a year i think. but today, i woke upat 7, and had done all of my shenanigans. and it's raining. there was the orion's belt, the moonlight, the sirius star, and now, the sunday morning rain.

hey i'm writing casually. and smiling.

Darah.

2011-01-29T21:12:00.003+08:00

tunduklah kau pada ibuku

dan jangan sekali-kali kau salahkan ayahku

setidaknya mereka tak melempar abu itu ke langit

yang akhirnya jatuh berserakan tak karuan

dan apa yang kau punya sekarang?

hanya sisa abu yang kau punguti kembali

memungut abu? bodoh.

lebih bodoh dari membungkus api yang kau nyalakan sendiri dengan sesal

A Parasitic Relationship.

2011-01-24T18:18:00.003+08:00

the society recognize a foul play from kilometers away. an insignificant error, whether intended of unintentional will automatically be registered. the joy, of proving someone wrong is too overpowering. turning into a disgusting thirst.

somehow, a good deed, or a talent, cant be seen even with a microscope. we do all the work, we make you look good, earn reputations. but what do we have? letters long overdue. appreciate thy possessions.

Duplicity.

2011-01-22T22:16:00.003+08:00

why do i need to fit into a community-oriented mould?

why should the perception of this skeptic society bound me?

who stigmatized and approved the standards of a 'good' individual?

what is a 'good daughter'? a 'good friend'? a 'good citizen'? an 'honorable student'?

what is the importance of achieving those overrated standards and stigma?

why cant anyone be eliminated from any social-hierarchy based rules and policy easily?

why did we let everyone force us and shape us into the people we abhor the most?

people, get yourself a strong will power.

Commuting//The Feminist Ride

2011-01-19T13:22:00.003+08:00

males, stop womanizing yourself. stop blinding yourself. the ladies coach is for ladies. so two big and equally 'spacious' arent enough for you? you harassed us at work, you underestimated us on competitions, you abused us on domestic affairs, you have the luxury of not having to go through period and childbirth. please, stop being ignorant and stay off the ktm''s ladies coach. stop being a chauvinist.

The fish, the pig, and the giraffe

2011-01-15T19:27:00.003+08:00

i was blinded by hatred, and jealousy, and inferiority. a vague emotion screened the truth. i felt exiled, unloved, left. i even invented the 'snickers and ice cream' metaphor. little that i know, the truth hurts me in a good way.

being an unstable and fragile teenager that i am, i blurt it all out on twitter. that leads to emotion trembling, tear jerking msn conversations. i was rocked to the core. figuratively, they slapped the bitch right out of me, not in an offensive manner, but in a 'shut-the-fuck-up-i'm-your-bestfriend' kind of way.

what was i thinking? maybe we are juvenile but our friendship isnt. i should've known that this bond isnt trivial, it has endure a long time, and it will endure through thick and thin. it automatically recognize a foul opponent, it constructs the deepest link, it was invented elastic to fit our dynamic mould. i should've known, what the three of us signed in for, was a life-long contract.

Commuting//1

2011-01-07T17:19:00.002+08:00

i've moved. and everyday, in order to go to school, i have to mobilize using a very annoyingly unpunctual and slow moving public train, which is the ktm. see, just by hearing the word ktm makes you lazy.

the kereta api tanah melayu, is one of the slowest moving train here in kl. of course, it's also the cheapest. now i'm not going to complain about moving here, where there are only two kinds of public transportation available. but i'm going to make this a regular article. since it fascinates me so much.

why not take the car? you see i'm underage. i usually drive to places, with my mom observing, and without a license. yes. i'm a criminal for that haha. and around the perimeters of my new place, the cops are just all over the place. so, my mom, forbids me. at least until i got my license. which is NOVEMBER.

i've been told by my friends who rides the ktm as a daily consumption, that they are most irritated. not only because of the 'rapid' mobilization, but mostly because of the passengers. the contrast of every people, the morning rush, the evening rush, well the rush in general, their behavior.

today, i experienced my first disappointment. i woke up very early in the morning, to catch the 6.50 train. there are two options for me for early morning transportations. it's whether the 6.50 or the 7.05. and i'd rather take the 6.50, because even though it only has 15 minutes difference, it is less crowded. which is important when you're riding a ktm. so i arrived at the station at 6.40, turns out the 6.50 was canceled. and the next train will pick up all of the passengers, meaning one train, twice as much passengers. ah shite better luck next time.

Resolution.

2011-01-07T17:04:00.002+08:00

everything you do affects how you are. newton's law is applied, and you're in charge. so this is me trying to be efficient and responsible. i am undergoing my last year of high school, i want to enjoy it as fully as possible. so this new year, i'm trying to stay, voluntarily, positive. i want to maximize the bliss in each of every day. so this, is a beginning to a very high-spirited year, be positive!

2010

2010-12-25T22:10:00.002+08:00

the days of 2010 were set in perfect contrast. drastic changes were no longer unfamiliar to me, as manic highs and lows are customs now. experimental decisions and hypothesis-based judgments were repeatedly misused. yet i dont regret any single moment.

i've been busy all year. and trying to reconcile with your inner spheres seems impossible. i had too much too do, my sister told me that i was rarely home. true that. i spent most of my times in bed, or outside.

i shook fame's hand, and gave him a good night kiss. i wasnt on tv or something that resembles it. summer was quite a time for me. honestly, it was the best semester break. i made new friends in quite a vast amount, with backgrounds and stories that differs them from my usual clique. i kept in touch with old friends i tend to privilege.

love wise, i am both lucky and unfortunate. i was in my longest relationship period, and changed boyfriend four times. half of them are upon their request. i was with a celebrity, a joker, a guy who was scared of commitment. infatuation does not lasts, but most significant out of all the others, i fell in love. probably unrequitedly.

i was walking on water, me and every inch of the atmosphere was in a conspiracy, and then crashed into walls, being put alongside profanities. it was constant changes. nonetheless, 2010 taught me too much thing. i could never be perfect, but i have always thrived to be so. that's what kept me going.

so with hopes bigger than the southern star, i hope 2011, unlike the present, will be on my side.

A note to 20-10-2010

2010-12-18T22:36:00.005+08:00

this is not an option. i do not choose to feel or to be this way. my current state of being isnt pleasant, though i tried to counter it. when i said i'll heal, dont you get it? its a disease. i wasnt being selfish, nobody longs for gravity. once more, i must ask you to understand. i am lower than the ground that i now try to firmly stand on. this pain blooms everywhere. you have a life out there, and i honestly think i dont. start living it. i am sorry. but i cant carry the burden of your complaints and disappointments, this world does not revolve around you. i cant be a slave to your ego. that is not love, that is mania. i mean look at us now, we're not together anymore yet you think i am an evil heart stabbing ex because i am being head over heels and in complete misery, being in love with someone else who i unwillingly obsess about. we didnt work out, and we wont. this twisted pathetic melody is not yours to sing, it is mine. i am sorry. i really am. but i am aching in every part of my body and you're giving me a hard time.

one day you'll see, to love somebody is to surrender, completely.

Arresto Momentum.

2010-12-17T06:37:00.004+08:00

this is another writing about you. i dont know how many wordpad documents are about you. the topic that is majority on my un-posted writing is you. you, the same person as mania, as the absence, as buena fortuna, as he could be happy and i wont know. you. the object of my affection. you, whose name i articulate when i wake up in the middle of the night.

you, made me stay static, staring at the ceiling. wondering for hours. my thoughts are scattered all over the place where we left traces together. walks, talks, smiles, laughs. i can still describe everything, even the details of the events.

you and i walked, and laughed. we were tired, our steps werent exactly neat and organized. the sun sets about 30 minutes before. you were eating your favorite ice cream. which you bought, and told the cashier you wanted a mcflurry sludge. i laughed so hard. and i made fun of that while we were tipsy-walking. i asked for some ice cream, and you wont give me. so i grabbed it, and you were mad. you tried every possible effort to re-gain your ice cream. you even pretended putting your arms over my shoulder. so i let you take the ice cream, but grab firmly to the spoon. i, again laughed at you for being so dumb. at the end of the road, everything went back to normal. our never ending laugh, ends. you eat your icecream and i make my phonecalls. it was not a particularly long road, but from what i remembered, it winds, and winds and winds.

maybe that's you. you may say you never change, but dear, you change all the time. if you wanted me now, you wont want me tomorrow. i wish you want me now. i want you always. we were never a couple. and i'm not looking for a relationship either. we can still be us, the same two person we were. i dont really care now. because i tried. harder than everyone else thought. i've stopped talking about you, i resist the temptation to talk to you, to see you. which is why i refused going to the beach with you the other day. but my efforts were all futile, there's no such place in my heart. its existence is impossible for now, and the near future.

now, i wish you the best, with future endeavors and all of its uncharted water. if us were meant to be, god will know what to do. so i'm going to stop being consumed by the thought of us, how we were, what could be. but i wont stop believing.

The Absence

2010-12-14T06:25:00.006+08:00

what does it mean, to cry in your sleep? no matter how aggravating the fact is, salvation must come from within you. no ice cream will fix that, no friend could turn it around. if you refrained yourself from being saved, oh dear damsel in distress, no prince would ever be a saviour.

but have you ever wondered, why this occurs? this time consuming, non-existent, impractical, repulsive, toxic, complicated thing. i need to heal, i will heal. tomorrow, it'll be three months. and i am still statically wounded.

no sirius star, no orion's belt, no moonlight.

Ibu

2010-12-10T18:23:00.003+08:00

if the people who knew my mom were asked to make a testimonial about her, none of it would say that she was 'remarkably cheerful' or 'a drop of sunshine'. they would say 'smart over-achiever' or 'high-maintenance prep' to describe her. she is still the same person, i guess.

mom was very ambitious as a young girl. even though raised in a wealthy family, she taught herself to be particularly thrifty and independent. she was making her own money by writing to magazines when she was in high school. contrary to me, she's a genius when it comes to chemistry. according to her, she was snobby, and a bit conceited. she blamed herself for that.

she and dad were absolute rivals. they were complete opposites. mom hated drawing, and dad is an architect, dad's a smoking neat freak, while mom's a healthy sloth haha. sorry. but i guess opposites does attracts. during my early childhood, both of my parents worked. mom had a very promising career. she worked in major companies, earned respective titles. everything changed in late 2000. dad moved to kl and all of us left our abundant life in jakarta. mom never worked since.

she's now a housewife. imagine someone who had the maids do everything, being forced to iron 20 clothes per day. someone whose tiny pale fingers never touched the kitchen, now have to cook every day. i guess she's tired. that's why nowadays, she seems to frown all the time. and having miscarriages musnt be a breeze for anyone.

i have been a bad daughter. i was rarely home, school and friend occupy most of my time. i've lost my ability to manage the words i articulate. and even forgot her birthday last year. i could say i'm tired, but what's my perspiration compared to hers?

today's not mother's day, not her birthday either. she use to say i have incredible talents and knowledge. everything i ever did, was just to prove that she was right. because even though she's a very loud, assertive, and frank women, she was exaggerating. i'm not those things. but i will always try. and could never ask for anyone better. no mother could've raised me better.

Lacking Euphoria

2010-12-09T06:59:00.002+08:00

no espresso is too strong, no red bull is too effective. i am immune to caffeine already. papers and cables serenades me to sleep, low lights and artificial breezes fills the air with laze and serenity. how can i fulfill my duties when the bed is so inviting? sloth sloth go away, never come on other days.

Mania

2010-12-07T17:15:00.002+08:00

you know what sucks? loving someone who thinks you're just another god damn collectible figure. caring so much for someone who cares for 5 other girls out there. remembering someone who have vague memories about you all the time. and finding it perpetual, at least it feels like it for now. oh god, i'll plan the sweetest revenge

Bernoulli's Principle

2010-11-23T19:04:00.003+08:00

in an inviscid flow, when the speed of the fluid decreaces, the pressure increases simultaneously. vice versa. meaning all my works that have been piled up needs to be done pronto. applying basic physics theory into real life might sound preppy, and naive both at the same time, but it's my only way of making things logical.

Love's Gonna Get You Down

2010-11-22T19:32:00.000+08:00

Buena Fortuna

2010-11-21T22:20:00.004+08:00

you were golden when i first met you, you were golden today.
it could never be an accident, i was in a position where it was impossible for you to notice me.
yet our eyes met, our hearts skipped a beat.
both our lips smiled simultaneously.
soothing, addicting, vindicating.
you were everything i asked for, i thought of, every morning.
today, it felt evident, and vibrant.
i kept stars, for you. like the one we saw the last time we went swimming.
stars, dim or bright, will always be there.
i know you kept stars too, unnecessarily bright, but it exists.
till any given time, my dumb

He Could Be Happy, And I Wont Know

2010-11-21T08:06:00.001+08:00

richie and margot, richie and margot, thevetia and? nightswimming.

I Have All The Anger In Me

2010-11-21T07:41:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry i'm not the friend who sucks up to you, give you all the compliment you can get. i'm sorry i'm not the daughter who stays at home all week, who smiles and make breakfast. i'm sorry i'm not the girlfriend who answers your calls 24/7, who cling on to you endlessly. i'm sorry i'm not the student who brings apple everyday, and agree with every statement you said. i'm sorry i didnt live up to everyone's expectations.

i am truly sorry, for not being bothered to wrap myself around the hypocrisy of this community. i eternally regret but i would rather eat my own arse than own two faces. because this social chain is starting to look all plastic. nothing is what it seems. you can look all girl-next-door and still manage to be as fake and as plastic as a water bottle.

Turning 16 on the 17th

2010-11-20T16:48:00.002+08:00

i'm trying hard to be thankful. i am. deep down, there's a blur humbled heart that smiles and tries to thank every blessing it gets. in a lovely manner, though sincere and truthful, i thank everyone. but i cant help it, my heart dies at the age of 16.

personally i dont think it died. i mean, metaphorically, i think it's in a coma or paralyzed. i'm a firmly believe that time heals all. anyway, enough ranting. yours truly turned 16 last wednesday. the day started with a surprise from mom and my family, with cheesecakes and all, they know i hate chocolates. my little brother gave me harry potter tickets. shite, he even wrote "your first birthday wishlist, to the best sister ever" the boy rocks at the age of 9 i tell you. new laptop, new wrist watch, yadda yadda.

i arranged a small celebration with 20 of my closest friends. while waiting for them, i watched kabhi kushi kabhi gham, my absolute favorite hindustani movie. even then the mundane atmosphere could not dissipate. i was yawning. then ditya, zahra, dhini, fiya, kyrol, sandy, mustakim, and yuda, came with a cake and tons of love. i love you ditya. really.

dinner at sushi zanmai was a delight, especially having dad with us. fyi, he moved, work purposes. and the neverending birthday present kept making my day. especially one phone call from aulia rasyid. cheerio squidward!

and fergy, if you're reading this, yes i received your package. MUSTACHE IS LOVE I TELL YOU! i cant say it's the best birthday ever, it cant compete with last year's. but still, i need to heed this lesson, that this year, i have to be thankful. besides, i got what i want the most right?

i thank everyone :)

"She's different now thev"

2010-11-16T22:54:00.005+08:00

pseudo melodies that haunts you

sweet sweet pseudo melodies

drawing on water, beautiful paintings on water

two hand shakes that haunts you : first meeting, and last goodbye

five years apart, yet you dont give up

thousands kilometers, yet you dont give up

unrequited, yet you dont give up

bitter and painful, yet you dont give up

oh love identified and familiar in such a young age

i see inside your eyes fire, eternal

you wont give up

Behold, The Queen.

2010-11-08T18:41:00.003+08:00

though i vowed not to write about myself for at least a month i can say this one's an exception. i miss my unbelievably long tresses but i feel as if i'm lighter than air. guess who's back, back again. queen t's back, tell a friend.

Flaws, Intentionally Covered With Fake Diamonds

2010-11-08T01:35:00.006+08:00

in her muddy dress she walk proud.

with her empty head, she boastfully talks.

to her equally annoying friends, she praise.

practice what you preach, practice what you preach.

please own up to it, bitch.

stop chasing titles.

We're Not Enemies, We Just Disagree

2010-11-04T17:33:00.005+08:00

(title by the strokes)

indonesian must've known, democracy is everywhere in the country. and indonesian take them where ever they go. political freedom, economic freedom, free will, FREEDOM OF SPEECH. yadda yadda.

my civic teacher always emphasized that freedom or justice, is about putting things in suitable molds. articulate statements during the right occasions, with the right medium. giving people what they deserve. they say that democracy is our culture, i dont see that. i dont see it in my country, i dont even see it happening in my school.

a friend of mine, a close senior, is in big trouble, for extruding some statements that my teacher thought had offensive structures, characters. several teachers came inside my class, and lecture us about facebook before proceeding to our lessons. i was bored to the core hearing the same thing being said repetitively. especially something, that to me, sounds repulsive.

criticism, even in an imprudent manner, is still criticism. sure it is his fault for using cuss words. but please, try seeing things from a different point of view. try destroying your defensive wall made entirely out of ego and see my friend's side, see our side. i hope, whatever the decision is, they decided to consider his side too.

not only i, but more friends would applaud him for standing and owning up to it.

Momentum and Impulse

2010-10-25T23:01:00.004+08:00

in an inelastic collision, the coefficient of restitution is equal to zero. meaning the velocity of the two colliding objects are equivalent. meaning kinetic energy is not conserved. same goes to relationships. do you know what happen to the objects in an inelastic collision?

i relate to physics by applying them into real life philosophy. i made my very own conclusion to bernoulli's and newton's law. physics is sexy.

Merah Darahku. Putih Tulangku.

2010-10-25T22:09:00.005+08:00

i've been playing angklung for 5 years now. everything started as sheer curiosity. from memorizing one song to playing dozens. from school events, to diplomatic receptions, to charity events, to product launching. having done the same kind of performances every now and then might sound obviously mundane. but trust me, deeper spheres of feeling goes in it.

playing a traditional ensemble induces a different kind pride. sure the entertainment value of it, are not aligned with concerts or other forms of modern art performances. but knowing, that we're sustaining our own culture, a possibly near-extinct one in the future, gives you a pat in the back after every show, saying 'way to go!'

especially in an era where most youth are occupied with other activities that according to them, are far more interesting and up to date than playing traditional instruments, me and my friends still think that angklung is worth the time and energy. because you know what, when you sayanother country tries to claim your cultural heritage, you do not prance around with chauvinism and point out fingers, and saying your nation posses it when you never even touch it. what you do is, you should make a statement.

so stop being a chauvinist and a hypocrite and start contributing in culture sustaining efforts. i am a proud indonesian, i play angklung, and gamelan, and i do saman dance, even when living in the country that you despise so much, yes, this one i take pride of. what do you do?

Schule.

2010-10-21T06:25:00.003+08:00

kami singa.

dengam ngauman luar biasa.

setiap hari kami ke kandang, mereka redam ngauman kami.

singa yang rela meredam ngaumannya?

Thevetia's Disposition.

2010-10-20T05:58:00.003+08:00

a walk resulting in dozens of lines written in my to-do list. i made progress, i bought a new book, i'm claiming my ground again, trying to reign again. i told ditya to cheer up, and i said to myself, i too have to take the equivalent advice. for a month, give or take a few days, let's not write about myself.

A Darker Spectrum

2010-10-13T16:57:00.003+08:00

my senses does not respond politely to lights. my eyelids will start gluing itself to each other, my hands will reach for any proper covers. i dont drink, i dont cry. these blinds are shut, this door is closed, and so is my heart. i refuse anyone else.

i'm too attached they say. the world has turn upside down. i am a mess, and so is my room. clothes and papers scattered all over the floor, describing my current emotional accurately. my sister and my ex are forcing me to eat every dinner time. my mom insists that i let some lights in, put on some music. i cant, i'm sorry i cant.

sometimes my eyes are completely shut from the world, better than the occasional unblinked wide open ones that i tend to practice every midnight. my nose is not stuffed but its dysfunctional. my fingers works best. i can only execute two very simple tasks, texts and guitars.

i'll get better, soon.

When I No Longer Hear The Music.

2010-10-11T17:44:00.006+08:00

i'll start eating good foods again, i'll start loving salads again, i'll shop more, i'll eat more ice cream, i'm going to dance again, i'm going to sing again, i'll take sienna out for a trip, i'll clean up my room, i'll draw pictures of girls again, i'll draw pictures of things again, i'll dress up whenever i'm going out again, i'll go on dates again, i'll put on my nail polish, i'll ride the train again, i'll go out karaokeing with my girls again, i'll play futsal with my girls again, heck, i'll play futsal with anyone who wants to, i'll wear my sneakers again, i'll call my friends on midnight and unnecessarily talk about life again, i'll start laughing out loud again, i'll make myself happy again, i'll be happy again.

i will, not now, soon.

Sturdy Up, Sturdy Up Your Heart

2010-10-10T17:51:00.005+08:00

from the land down under

close-to-perfection covers

the band that took a permanent citizenship pass in my itunes

Re-phrasing Your Favorite Song : DONT STOP BELIEVING!

2010-09-25T06:30:00.003+08:00

to aula rasyid,

my best friend, my former classmate, angklung mate, theatre mate, asylum mate, practically-together-in-every-occasion mate. this is for you.

shut the fuck up. after reading you blog, and those conversations through chat boxes, i conclude. you can cope with it. if there's anyone who reflects the word 'endurance' the best, it would be you. remember 8th grade? everyone made fun of you, including yours truly here, i mean your mental puissance must've been brutally and constantly pounded. did you survive? unpredictably yes. even made a vast amount of equally interesting friends during 10th grade.

you are probably one of the brightest indonesian teenager. fuck that, you are. jakarta, shouldnt turn you down, dont ever loose to that polluted, corrupted city. it takes more than chuck bass to destroy blair waldorf, it takes more than love to destroy thevetia, it takes more than jakarta to destroy aulia. stop whining, stop repining. be aulia, be awesome.

Hierarchy's Her Middle Name

2010-09-24T00:03:00.001+08:00

Meine Freunden.

2010-09-23T05:51:00.003+08:00

first day of schools always annoy you to the core. you dragged yourself out of bed, literally. you forgot homeworks, on purpose. you reunite with ridiculous juniors and angsty seniors.

mine was fun. last monday, despite the imponderable amount of laze, i felt pleased. i am still glad that i have seriously cool friends. i had the privilege of being alongside them. i've been cheered up. merci beaucoup.

Melbourne, this is KL speaking.

2010-09-19T19:16:00.003+08:00

FERGY MAURICIO.

i am irked by the nature of things, and the different time zones we live in. since wednesday i've been looking for you, i have major updates that i need to tell you. because you're probably top 5 on my 'if there's any urgent/epic/major news about me, i should tell these people first' list. okay i was on msn, smiled, and then frowned. you're current status is 'busy' well probably due to college assignments, it's fine. but if you read this, i just want to let you know how irked i am right now, not because of you, but because the world we live in, face it, sucks.

(we are hardly romantic, we're very silly friends)

//\/\

2010-09-18T08:22:00.002+08:00

i googled manic high and lows. result? manic depression symptoms, bipolar disorder.

all i know, in his presence, it's exuberant euphoria . but when he leaves, everytime he leaves i hug him hard so it'll last, because when he leaves, i suffocate, asphyxiate.

Béatitude

2010-09-17T13:24:00.004+08:00

contrary to someone's belief, happiness is not a place, not a destination. its existence are hardly permanent. it's not a static state of being, it moves and flows on its own stream. you'll encounter it once every while and then the two of you separates. it's inside your favorite strawberry yogurt, it scored a goal for manchester united, it made your iTunes shuffled your favorite songs consecutively, it gives you rainy mornings, it's in that dress you purchased with your own money, it showed you the sirius star when you were nightswimming, it's those brief encounters that makes you smile.

you cant chase it. you cant find it in a person. you cant buy it. you just have to wait for it, but in the mean time, you need to flow on your own stream, your not getting anything while you're immobile.

one other significant detail : no one else is in charge. screw others. emancipate yourself, stop feeling inferior. set yourself free from dependency.

Queen T

2010-09-11T23:47:00.004+08:00

blair and chuck. blair and chuck. blair and chuck. thevetia and?

Another annual post.

2010-09-11T10:53:00.003+08:00

raya. sure it's weird for an indonesian youngster to use the term raya, instead of lebaran. but since i'm probably half malaysian by nurture, it's forgivable. to all indonesian immigrants, no matter how comfortable our second home might be, there is a one day exception.

me, exhibit a, the ultimate kuala lumpur-ians, couldnt feel any more foreign than not being in jakarta during raya. on that one particular day, i prefer being with my cousins, i prefer being stuck in traffic, i prefer living in a house less comfortable than mine, i prefer inhaling carbon monoxide, i prefer watching tv that's full of commercials with concealed intentions. throughout the 365 days i'd rather spent staying in the valley, raya's the one day exception.

this year? spent raya driving through the outskirts of kuala lumpur with my friends. a brief road trip from sentul to selayang to ulu yam to genting highlands then back to gombak and at last to down town bukit bintang. fun? tiring.

and yesterday, i figured. the universe has its own functioning facilities to warn you. i thought about buying blushers and eyeliners to emancipate my inner feminism, then during that trip, a friend of my told me i should not wear make up, or else i'll look crippled.

minal aidin walfaidzin piplah.

Saudade

2010-09-08T09:42:00.004+08:00

saudade is a portuguese and galician word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. it often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object longing might really never return

- wikipedia

in a time span of two months i've managed to be utterly occupied with the present. of course, not minding about how horrid my past was, felt intoxicating, that's what kept me going. then everything was paused like a jammed ferris wheel and i'm way up there. suddenly i wanted to be down there. all i want, is to keep moving, forward. and not having to unbearably long for the past.

if you're following what i've been writing, of course it's hard for me. i keep wanting things (put 'flat face' emoticon here)

Welcome, Aftermath.

2010-09-06T11:30:00.003+08:00

my name is thevetia romeiza

i am 15, indonesian, living in kuala lumpur.

i am currently in grade 11, taking science stream.

i am absolutely inconsistent and uncertain about my ambitions.

i have been through 14 relationships in the last 5 years, go and laugh at it.

and about that, i feel the complete opposite of pride. everyone who knew me musnt be surprised by now, i guess this even amuses a glimpse of people. it's not that i dont put effort in every relationship, but almost all of them seemed futile. and i know i'm done regretting several hundred years ago.

knowing and bowing to the mechanism of things, i'm writing this post as a memorial, a statue. i'm stopping and i'm done with everything. and i vow to

not rush into anything.
make serious considerations over everything i'm about to do
always go through a long period of time before settling with anyone
be happy and grateful being vacant

even finishing this brings a handful of joy.

She's Perfunctorily Surrendering

2010-09-04T22:27:00.004+08:00

her insecurity is on its peak. she’s giving in, the familiar feeling she’s experiencing is much too horrifying to bear. she’s anticipating for the worst, avoiding confrontation, delaying resolution. she contemplates all her misplaced, misspelled, misunderstood, positions and actions. inside her, a thought slither, discreetly whispering, she's delusional. but an imponderable amount of fear lazes her courage. she’s building a fortress, once again like she did back then. all she really wants to do is scream and weep. she wonders why her surrounding is expecting her to be strong, restricting her from complaining and crying. she longs for a vindication. all she really wants to do is scream, because she’s suffocating. please stop choking her.

(this is fictional)

Nourished Habit

2010-09-04T21:55:00.004+08:00

i consume a vast amount of food on a daily basis. sure i look a tad bit anorexic but returning to the right stream now, i love food. my life literally revolves around food. i think about the taste of poached salmon during shopping sessions. i dream about cooking the perfect pot roast. i crave for durian every night. i go back an forth from my room to the fridge, always urging to bite another pickled green olive.

being raised in a family who is also as mad about food as me, i feel very lucky. but this is troubling me right now. food cheers me up. a plate of self made fried rice will comfort my worried nerves instantly. and since lately i've been worrying too much about everything, i'm slowly turning into a binge eater. thank god it's fasting month.

Preparing for the Aftermath.

2010-08-30T22:44:00.003+08:00

i'm at a much more pleasant phase. i'm grateful, and humbled. i live by this saying ; happiness is a choice. but i'm also a firm believer to whoever gave me this soul and formed this organism, believing in god who is always fair, meaning, i also believe in fate. so i'm scared. that all of this would be deprived, painfully.

it's contradictory. you cant escape fate. and maybe the saying, happiness is a choice, sure it's only a state of mind, gives me escapism. whatever it is that i currently fear, i dont think that i'm ready to stand up against it. give me time.

Freeze

2010-08-22T19:41:00.003+08:00

yesterday my parents talked about universities, and my future. i was in quite a rage, sensing that, talking about which faculty is most lucrative, which university is most supportive with me still being in such a young age, are nonsense. today, at dinner everything went clear.

mom : do you realize that you have less than 2 years to spend another raya with us

tia : why is that? is it about uni?

mom : well of course you have to go to uni anyway.

tia : cant i go home for ramadhan, or anything

mom : it's uni kakak, everything will be different. you'll live alone

fear. it was all about fear of living alone, of living in such far proximity from my parents. january 2010, i was so close to having myself sent off to jakarta to manage my own domestic problems. this was the same fear i had 7 months ago. i talked to some friends about this. he/they was/were right, indeed. it wasnt only about taking courses you do not approve, contrary to your parents will. it was about me, my mentality, and my disability to embrace the slightest changes, especially environmental-wise. i have 2 years.

I am The Resistance

2010-08-21T14:48:00.002+08:00

ui? itb? business management? medical school? petroleum faculty? promising my balls. mom, dad, there's no such thing as a promising career path or a promising future. i'm sorry if my ambitions arent exactly cookie cutter. and i would rather die than have to live unpleasantly every single day due to the fact that i wasnt allowed to pursue my personal ambitions. i cant work inside an office, counting digits with my scientific calculator, and wear monochromatic clothes (work uniform) everyday. i wont turn into a robot. the next thing i know i would be in a forced marriage, which i think i would most likely to be.

i said i'm taking art, you didnt nod. we negotiate, i said architecture. again, no nodding. i asked your preference, business management apprentice course in itb. or ui's economic studies. i offered graphic designing in singapore, i didnt see any visible sign of agreeing. i do not tolerate that far. and i will not. you might as well trade me with other kid who want this as much as you.

i am fifteen, dont cage me.

MERAHPUTIH//Salute

2010-08-21T08:45:00.004+08:00

'selama umur keremajaan gue, ya dari smp sampe sekarang gue kelas 3 sma, selama sebulan terakhir ini baru terasa banget. paskib seru banget lah. gue bakal kangen banget'

- jaka ramadhan, paskibra 2010

i took of my paskibra uniform for the last time on friday, 19th of august exactly at 3 am. only the worst feeling were registered on an emotional level. grief, regret, a complete and utter lost. of course pride, like nothing else, were there induced somewhere in between the midnight daze. i've changed a lot since paskibra. heed disciplines, discovered loyalties, formed teamwork, invented friendships.

this week was ours. and yes, we all knew, we could meet again, have a meal or two, reunite, reminisce our month together. but still, compared to our idiocy for the last 30 days, it would be on another level, lower than low. and i seriously seriously would give almost anything, just to go on those bus rides, have those lunch under the big tree, go through training again. because all of them, infused, produced an extraordinarily immaculate performance.

this post goes to affin mardoli, sandy firmansyah, angga apriyadi, muhamad ghifari, raymond pangestu, jaka ramadhan, pandu guna waluyo, faris ahmad mizanus sabri, brigita arifin, sodrina adani, jasmine anissa, annaba ghassani, dhini duta lestari, devi anggraeni putri, adelika rahma darwin, hannan firas fadhilah, nadia mahendrati, adani ardhaneswari, bebby triandra caesa. i applaud your greatness.

every point in his post were never exaggerated.

Why this, changes everything

2010-08-18T15:36:00.000+08:00

coming soon

MERAHPUTIH//18-26

2010-08-15T08:29:00.004+08:00

we kept training and eventually built a strong friendship bond between us. day 24 was our last normal training day. it was the day before fasting month, and we maximized our maneuvers. day 25 is a school holiday, but all of us simultaneously decided to go through practice. without any running or push ups. it was rather difficult as it was our first training during fasting month.

day 26, was our first rough rehearsal. some of the embassy staff were there, including our chaperon, pak yulian. the flag raising rehearsal went perfect, for both times. our first rehearsal sunk and stink. however, not being perfunctory towards our trainer's advices, we performed immaculately during our second rehearsal.

today, is our last rehearsal, and the day of our inauguration. i am scared shitless. but me, and all of the flag hoisting squad member have undergo a month of training not for a complete and utter nothing. our mission is to raise and lower sang merah putih, for the nation, for the embassy, for our parents, for our trainers, for our relatives, and for our own pride. me, on behalf of 20 vibrant students that's on 2010's paskibra team, would like to thank our trainers, ka rido, ka nurul, and pak inton for all the time and care you've spent just to nurture us, and for the guidance conveyed during every training. to everyone who helped transform us, formed who we are today, i cant thank you enough.

as for me, i thank my teammates, my jovial, extraordinary, glorious, and hopefully victorious team. for all the exhilarating training, and for everything we've been through together. i love you all.

wish us luck. paskibra jaya!

Marhaban.

2010-08-10T06:23:00.003+08:00

sometimes, we just dont fogive and forget. we let our grudge blossom, let vengeance grow. i use to do that. but realizing that revenge is a rotten fruit, not worth growing, not worth eating, i realize it's time to set my grudges go. i'm not doing his only in conjunction of ramadhan, not as a formality, but from the bottom of my heart, happy ramadhan all. maaf lahir dan batin.

Inferiority

2010-08-09T06:58:00.003+08:00

you're the universe. i'm only a queen. you have full ownership over the milky way, the sun, the moon, halley's comet, the orion constellation. nobody will have the courage to blame you for all the cosmic rays, black holes, and for giving us sun storms. you arranged galactic collisions arbitrarily. you ordered the sun to go supernova, destroying my planet, my kingdom. no one will blame you for armaggedon, they'll blame the queen.

because you are, and always will be, a greater force than me.

MERAHPUTIH//15-17

2010-08-03T19:17:00.007+08:00

when you made your trainer feel disappointed, the worst feeling will be induced inside of you. on day 15, pak inton gathered us, and reminded us how serious our mission is. to raise and lower flags arent trivial. this might sound redundant, for those who havent watched a flag raising/lowering ceremony. but we indonesian, consider sang merah putih as something intolerably sacred.

we, ifal's team were on duty during monday's flag ceremony, and that was day 16 of training. it took faris, pandu, and adelika, 3 minutes to raise our flag, the flag caused faris to panicked, someone misfolded the flag, and caused the hooks to misplaced itself. time is crucial during flag maneuvers. after training, our trainer, rido, switched raymond and faris back in position.

today, day 17, everything went normal. everyone made some progress, and improvements. but the best part was, we finally got our uniforms, both for training, and for the big day. tried on everything, including skirts and hats. and i'm still jovial everytime i see my training cap. IT GOT MY NAME ON IT! until later, paskibra jaya!

show off. pffft haha

Salutes.

2010-08-01T19:37:00.008+08:00

happy friendship day.

this isnt a formality. this is just an emphasis of what i feel everyday.

yuniar zhafira abdillah, ditya hasna karima, aulia rasyid, jasmine anissa, selly febriana, dita elisa, angelina putri, sarah puspaherning, claudia mutiara. for your vibrant presence, your immeasurable maturity, your unrequited loyalty, your magical way of creating felicity, your dependability, your love. if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt still have this tad bit of sanity attached to my head. and it is because of you, i learned, and felt that good people does exist. i would never, in a million years could ever reciprocate. thank you.

ahmad ghalib darmawel, and fergy mauricio. for being an older brother figure to me. for concerning and understanding. for the uplifting sentences and your witticism. both of you are actually the two people i rely on for advices. loosing you, would be an incredible vexation.

septian permana gianyar, faris ahmad mizanus sabri. when you reminded me that boys were not worth the tears, that other girls are far worst than me, that you guys are still with me after everything that i've done.

dhini duta lestari, rizki pratama, rizki erianto, dheavisa putra mandala, yuda fahrul rozi, zahra hafizhah, muhammad asraf abdul rahim, razlan rasin, anwar syahdat, chikal fadlillah. for miraculously appearing into my life.

alief samudra akbar, for everything.

An effacement

2010-07-31T06:36:00.007+08:00

i wasnt myself during summer break 2010.

i wore make up.

i simultaneously broke curfews and lied, frequently.

i wasted money taxi rides, and phone credits.

front row every wednesday, cheered the loudest, clapped the hardest. fought at midnight once a week, cried and forgive you every single time. wasted money again, on binge shopping, managed to comfort my own restless heart. perpetuating patience, disposing emotions. but i got a message on facebook in return, and a midnight phone call afterwards. i learned from that day on, karma does not exist. you keep your throne, kuala lumpur's king. and i'm here.

i'm happier now, please let me be, no more text please, goodbye.

MERAHPUTIH//9-14

2010-07-29T18:11:00.002+08:00

we undergo the usual training drills on day 9. on day 10, kak doni came and corrected our directions and footworks. and decided to divide us into 2 different teams. so there i was, in a team where mardoli act as the leader, dhini, sandy, and angga as our flag raiser, and kak devi as our flag carrier. and we were did monday ceremony duty, which was day 11 of training. and due to the fact that some of us made some mistakes while on duty, we did 280 push ups, 100 sit ups, and run for god knows how many laps. serves us right, i guess.

pak inton, and rido (our trainers) took us shopping on day 12. we bought some shoes for the girls and some gloves. it was exhausting, walking from chow kit to school. but i somehow feel that my flag hoisting team members always deprive the exhaustion. no matter how much push ups or how many laps we managed to do, i felt happy everytime i train. there's something about flag hoisting training that left traces inside of me. i can always cope with any upsetting things, there's no trainer's tantrum too irking, or footworks too inaccurate to make me mad. i'm starting to love my paskibra team.

on day 13, we did our first training in wisma duta indonesia. the edges of wisma duta's field doesnt quite form a square, so we were quite disorientated during training. and it was my first day of period. i have to bear with cramps and tired legs. i felt grateful over the fact i was with my original team, ifal's. when we arrived at wisma duta on day 14, i had a bad feeling about something. i fear my killer instinct.

at the end of training, rido announced the team for flag raising and lowering. rido switched raymond, with faris. and my team got the afternoon duty, which was for the flag lowering ceremony. good enough :) until later, paskibra jaya!

Tom, oh Tom.

2010-07-28T19:19:00.004+08:00

i've watched 500 days of summer countless of times, it's been almost a year. of course, i wasnt being secretive about my infatuation towards tom hansen. but today, at approximately 19.10, i realized, i love him. not joseph gordon levitt, but his character, tom. he's my epitome of the perfect man.

his smile, the ways he thinks, the way he sings 'here comes your man', his immaculate taste of music. even the way he mourns over the end of whatever it was between him summer, is just adorable. now that i've fallen deeply in love with him, i will never settle for any other guy unless he's tom hansen. (the last sentence was a lie)

yes, i am in love

Experiencing an Equivalent Feeling

2010-07-27T05:42:00.002+08:00

one of my favorite bands, matter halo

and they're indonesian! buy their EP! links are on the sidebar

No Alarms, and No Surprises, Please.

2010-07-24T06:52:00.006+08:00

i accompanied my thoughts, wondering around town. my body dies at night, just sitting watching, and waiting to greet the sunrise, while thom yorke sings 'this is what you get, when you mess with us' to revitalize the heart. i refrain from doing what i want, most of the time. then wake up being plastic once more, fake and cheerful. because i'm not living, i'm just killing time.

i'm living on faith and radiohead songs. nothing else.

MERAHPUTIH//3-8

2010-07-22T17:04:00.002+08:00

day 3 was the best training i've ever had. we tried walking in and out of the 'alley'. we were divided into two teams. my team wanted to elongate training time, but our trainer wont give us the time. fun.

i skipped day 4, next post will consist of an explanation why. we started flag maneuvers and formation steps on day 5, which was monday. and god, my team did terrible on our first flag maneuver. we kept improving our maneuvers on day 6, and 7. we learned some new steps, like turns and open line formation.

today, day 8, is the worst day ever. i felt completely disappointed in my team. like always, we practiced our flag maneuver, half way through, it was perfect. but when it comes to closing our formation, everything went hazardous. we repeated our formation closing steps for almost 10 times. i'm not blaming anyone, flag hoisting is a team effort. i'm just, tired.